Welcome to a most-frequently practiced skill of mine! I can be a little confrontational and argumentative, so I’ve had to develop some methods for resolving conflicts. I used to be hung up on being right all the time, which resulted in ruined friendships and relationships in the past. I’m starting to realize that being right doesn’t always make me happy but being involved in an argument always makes me unhappy. I’m not talking about debates or differences of opinion. I’m talking about actual arguments.
Below are my “Rules of Engagement” when entering a conflict. Sometimes these things don’t come to mind until mid-argument. It’s okay to change the direction of an argument. Become comfortable calming down quickly and not saying some of the things you’ve cooked up to say. It’s okay to keep some things to yourself, especially when you’re upset.
- Stay calm
- When you start to feel the anger boiling up your chest and wanting so badly to erupt from your mouth, stop. Take a slow, deep breath. The calmer you are, the calmer your “opponent” is going to be. If you are anything like me, you say some hurtful things when you let the anger erupt. Remember that staying calm is not a sign of weakness but rather a sign of strength. Being able to control yourself and stay calm takes a TON of practice and patience. Please be kind to yourself and stay calm.
- The other major benefit of staying calm is that you can attempt to resolve the conflict rather than growing the conflict. There’s nothing worse in an argument than looking back and realizing how small the problem was and how easily it could’ve been solved had you just remained calm. I’ve seen people go literal years without talking to one another due to miscommunications or arguments that got out of hand. Disagreements and conflicts can be handled calmly.
- Listen without assuming
- My goal is typically to be the speaker, rather than the listener, when I get involved in a confrontation. This is a goal that has gotten me into some insanely unnecessary, World War III-level arguments. I’ve started to learn over the years, especially the last seven years…aka the amount of time Silly has been together with Husband Goose…that getting angry and fighting back is just going to prolong the argument.
- Listen to the person with whom you are arguing. Do not worry about whether the other person understands your point of view. Let them talk, while you genuinely (and actively) listen. The odds of them turning around and letting you explain your point of view are higher than you might think. Once you have given someone a chance to get their point out, they are able to listen to you and attempt to understand your point of view.
- Letting go of your assumptions is an important component in listening to someone. Assume your assumptions are wrong or don’t assume at all. If you tell the other person your assumption, and they tell you that it’s wrong, let go of the assumption. Don’t assume you know them better than they know themselves. The saying is true (“assuming makes an ass out of u & me”). Assuming, and refusing to let go of assumptions, shows a great level of disrespect to the person with whom you are speaking. Let them explain their point of view.
- Seek to understand rather than to be understood
- These are all a little similar, if you haven’t picked up on that yet (because I just did…yes, while writing this). Anyway, this goes hand-in-hand with “Listen” because you have to listen to understand. I feel like this is a point that needs to be mentioned more than once. When you seek to understand, you gain the opportunity to learn another perspective. If you and someone else disagree, you can learn from one another. Seeking to understand allows you to turn the disagreement from a confrontation to a conversation.
- This is sometimes referred to as “being the bigger person,” but I think it takes two to argue, so both parties need to learn these tools for more peaceful confrontation. This is especially important in long-term relationships, such as siblings, spouses, parents, and even coworkers. All parties need to agree to remain calm and listen to one another. Sometimes this takes someone saying, “Let’s listen to one another” or “Let’s not talk over one another.” Seek to understand, and you’ll have a better chance at being understood.
- Future impact – Will this matter in a year? A month?
- Be honest with yourselves. Is this really going to matter in a year? Shoot, will this even matter in a month? I have a secret…I have even had to ask if “the thing” would matter the next DAY! Both myself and Husband Goose are confrontational people. Basically, that means we bicker a lot. We’ve had to learn to ask one another if whatever we’re arguing about matters in the long run. Most of the time, the answer is “no.”
- Aim to Resolve the Problem – Unite against the problem
- Especially when the argument is with someone who matters to you, the goal needs to be to resolve the problem instead of to argue. Use your different points of view to solve whatever problem ignited the disagreement. Remember, it is both of you against the problem, not both of you against each other. The longer you allow emotions to govern the disagreement, the bigger the problem will seem. If you need to take a break before talking calmly about the problem, take a break.
- If you’re expecting an argument due to a problem you need to bring up to someone, make sure you approach the other person with the clear goal that you are aiming to solve the problem. If that person becomes defensive, remain calm while they process what you’ve said. It’s important to allow them to take a break if needed as well. You may be prepared to discuss the problem, but they may need to compose themselves first. Make sure you give them the opportunity to do so. Otherwise, the discussion is more likely to become an argument.
- Just to round out this point, I have one more thing to add. Solving a problem may take several conversations and discussions…and that’s okay! Take as many breaks as you need to stay in discussion mode. Allowing things to escalate prolongs the issue and widens the gap between you. If your goal remains to solve the problem, your behavior must reflect that. It takes teamwork to compromise.
- It’s all about “you” – Avoid starting sentences with “you”
- When someone hears something along the lines of, “You make me angry because you ignore my needs,” they immediately become defensive. It’s a common and automatic reaction. If someone makes you angry, the appropriate way to tell them would be, “I feel angry when people ignore my needs.” Now, you’re telling the person how you feel while keeping “you” out of the sentence completely. This also shows that you feel angry when anyone ignores your needs, not just them.
- Think about a time when someone approached you to discuss something you were doing that upset them. Think about how it made you feel when this person sounded like they were accusing you of whatever it was. It’s likely that your first reaction was to defend yourself. That’s natural. That’s also what you’re trying to avoid. The other person is likely to feel defensive if they hear something that sounds like an accusation.
- Start your sentences with “I feel” statements instead. For example, “I feel worried when someone doesn’t let me know they got home safely,” instead of, “You worried me by not letting me know you got home safely.” The first option gives the other person a fact about you, rather than an accusation toward them. You told them that this behavior upsets you when anyone does it, not just them, allowing them to connect their behavior on their own. This also gives them the opportunity to understand your perspective because you’re not immediately turning on their defensive side.
- It’s okay to walk away – And make sure you go back
- As I mentioned previously, sometimes it’ll take several sessions of discussion before you resolve a conflict. That’s completely okay. Emotions are natural, and you can’t just ignore them or expect the other person to ignore their own. Give yourself and the other person the freedom to walk away, as long as the agreement involves returning to the conversation.
- One method for allowing space for emotions is to have a plan for breaks and the discussion itself. For example, before starting the discussion, agree to an amount of time for each discussion session and each break. Perhaps you both know you start to get frustrated around 20 minutes into disagreements and need 5 minutes to cool down each time. Start a timer for 20 minutes when you begin each discussion session. If you both want to continue when it goes off, restart the timer, and continue. If either of you want to take a break, start a timer for 5 minutes, take a break, and continue. Oftentimes, you won’t need as many breaks as you originally thought you might, because the option for a break is there.
Overall, the main point to keep in mind is that the goal is solve a problem and/or resolve a conflict. Solving a problem that includes a conflict involves a lot of listening and respecting someone else’s point of view. Keep your relationships happier by giving one another the chance to speak. Talk about how you feel without accusations. Refuse to believe your assumptions over someone else’s words.
Do you have any special things you do to keep yourself calm during confrontations? Share it in the comments! Follow My Silly Goose for more like this!
As always,
STAY SILLY
My Silly Goose 